Bali tourist spots in 30 words

Tuban - airport, bogans, no accessible surf
Kuta/Legian - bogans, surf
Seminyak -  sunset beach bars, villas, funky shops, dodgy surf
Tanjung Benoa - water sports, petrol fumes
Nusa Dua - sunrises, resorts, weddings

Tanjung Benoa

Nusa Dua

When tourism helps the environment - Keep Bali Clean

Nusa Dua Beach, Bali, Indonesia

Every morning workers from beachfront hotels, restaurants and bars rake and collect rubbish (predominantly plastic bottles, wrappers) dropped or swept ashore. The beaches of Kuta and Legian are noticeably cleaner than this time last year. The Keep Bali Clean initiative (started in 2014) seems to be definitely working.

Laneways and main streets have organised stacks of refuse, ready for collection. Less dog droppings also this year.

The other side of Legian-Kuta - away from the tourists

Venture down a "gang" (lane)

 Just 10 minutes walk from the tourist areas of Jalan Legian, on Jalan Patih Jelantik, is another side of Denpasar. No spruiking ("Transport?", "Excuse me, I'm not selling anything ..."), nor tattoo-covered, beer swilling bogans "That's awesome, Jayden!").
Towering fig trees, quiet temples and interesting curio shops.

Solitude, 20 minutes from the Legian Beach

Nautical fittings shop - great for the yuppy beach house

Tribal art and antiques

Native American kitsch (next door)

Clever re-using of materials - handbags, flooring, steps

The best doughnuts in Bali?

Custard filled, melt in the mouth. Forget the lard tasting Krispy Kreme Krap

Part of the bread buffet, loaves still warm, no need for a toaster

I remember coming to Bali in the 80's and 90's and having to put up with crap bread for breakfast (tasteless sliced bread, no grains). Things have certainly changed. The above pics were taken at the Kuta Beach Heritage Hotel (next to Mercure/Hard Rock). This is definitely the best $10 (AUD) breakfast I've had in Bali. No Nescafe or tasteless toast. Terrific Indonesian selection also. Great smoothies, fruit selection, eggs to order, noodle bar, waffles and crepe bar.

The best street in Kuta-Legian?

Jalan Lebak Bene leading into Jalan Bene Sari (between Jalan Melasti and Poppies Lane 2) is full of cheap and cheerful bars, warungs, cafes, massage salons (starting at 45000 rupiah for full body 1 hour) and accommodation. It's narrow and full of colourful street art.

Recommended cheap eateries for Balinese food and cheap beer:

• Warung Kampung (new kid on the block)  Off Jalan Melasti. Down first lane after Pullman Hotel (Gang Intan) well signposted. Limited but delicious Indonesian menu. Eat like a king. 4 dishes for under $10 Australia (including 15% tip) e.g. Nasi Goreng $A 1.80
• Legian Snacks (Jalan Padma Utara, behind Padma Resort)
• Gong Corner (near Kuta Town Houses) Best Gado Gado in town 12000 rupiah, goes down well with large Bali Hai beer 28000, Big American breakfast 30000 rupiah (A$3)

Best value massage: 

Green Beauty Salon, full body massage 1 hour 60 000 IDR - "Mardi" (she's the best masseuse, in my opinion) can be flexible with the price if business is slow. 

Location: off Jalan Lebak Bene (10 metres down Senen Lane, No 3). Nearest hotels: Pullman, Hotel Puri Tanah Lot, Senen Beach Inn.

Tip: Want the best (budget, not 5 star hotel) Balinese massage? Get an older woman or a guy - stronger and more proficient). At around 55 000 IDR an hour, this is too good to be true.

Does Bali have the best body surfing? How long can you travel? And a word about Bali dogs...

I have body surfed (over a 35 year period) the east and west coast of Australia, Mexico, South Africa but the waves in Kuta Beach, Bali, take some beating. Why else have tourists been flocking there since the 60's?

Legian Beach

On a good day you can travel 50 metres on a wave (sometimes one wave piggy-backs another for extra distance). You body surf until you:
(a) eat sand because you have reached the shallows;
(b) run out of breath;
(c) both.

Go where the surf schools go. These little waves are great for beginners and have maximum distance. Just watch you don't get too close when you body surf.
Legian is also good. I am writing this mid April, the end of the wet season. Seminyak body surfing okay but I can't go as far.

Tips (these might be obvious)

• Wait until the wave is about to break.
• Launch yourself by swimming strongly (freestyle) in front of the wave.
• Streamline your body (hands one on top of the other, fingers together, feet overlapping together, tuck your head under your arms, suck your gut in if you have a bit of 'middle age spread').
• Keep your head DOWN.
• I don't use fins, that's cheatin'
• Wear trunk style bathers, a zip is good for room key, etc. Speedos, second preference. Board shorts take too long to dry and can slow you down in the water.

A word about beach dogs
It is amazing the number of dogs on Bali beaches.  I didn't see so many last year. Legian has packs of stray dogs roaming from dawn 'til dusk. There are also a great dogs with owners (locals and ex pats), walking, playing with balls and paddling in the surf. Labradors are popular. 

Bali Bogan Checklist ... Spot the Aussie

• Stay in Tuban/Kuta (Legian if you are upwardly mobile)
• Wear Bintang tank tops, Rhonda/Ketut tees have gone out of fashion, I was hanging out for some Schappelle Corby t-shirt banter, but no takers.
• Wear peaked cap (with knockoff Designer sunglasses on top- indoors as well)
• Over weight
• Hair braids (including beards)
• Walk around streets sucking on a large Bintang after breakfast (or in lieu of)
• With kids (called Cooper, Maddison or Jayden - out of school holiday period) and grandparents (as baby sitters)
• Last but not least, this is the clincher, tattoos - everywhere - arms, legs, backs, chests. All ages 18 years to old-enough-to-know better. I've seen old farts in their 70's get inked here. The nursing homes are going to be full of wrinkled bodies with dragons.

I suppose it is much cheaper in Bali to get tatts. Back in Australia it could cost thousands. With the cost of budget airfares (e.g. $400-$500 return) you come out a head (a dickhead).

The rubbish problem in Paradise - South Lombok, Kuta Bay

Locals dropping rubbish (plastic bottles, wrappers, plastic bags) is a worldwide problem. I know I speaking as a cashed up Westerner, lucky enough to visit these beautiful places, but they won't stay beautiful. Snorkelling in this bay, plastic bags and wrappers outnumber the pretty fish.
The idea of taking your litter home with you in places of scenic beauty isn't the done thing.

  

This is a popular spot for the locals. The Novotel Lombok is in the background (its grounds are litter free, but the other side of the fence - a dumping ground).

This is a closeup of the last photo.

What A$10 can buy you in Bali... Kuta Currency

A$10 in Kuta gets you....

a dinner for 2 (see below)  or

4 large Bintang beers  or

a full body massage for one hour for you and a friend  or

a metered taxi (e.g. from Hard Rock Hotel) to the airport (including generous tip)

Notes

• Beer - Bintang, Bali Hai, Anchor is roughly the same price whether you buy it at Matahari Supermarket, convenience stores or at cheap restaurants/warung
• 2 large Bintang = 1 body massage for 1 hour in Kuta = 50 000 rupiah
• 4 main meals at Gong Corner, a popular cafe off Poppies Lane 1 (e.g. Cap Cay, Nasi Goreng, Gado Gado, Satay + 1 large beer + 1 banana juice + 15% tip = 100 000 rupiah
• 100 000 rupiah = 2 body massages for 1 hour
• Australian currency conversion (March 2014) roughly drop 4 zeroes to get rupiah                  e.g. 10 000 IDR = $1

Random Bali Travel Tips - taxis, body surfing, visas and being a cheap bastard

• Sit as close to the front of the plane as possible. This means you are first off, avoiding long queues at the Visa On Arrival counter. Having US$25 (per person) on you will make life easier too.
• If staying in Kuta, cheapest place for drinking water and tonic water (for the all important Duty Free vodka/gin and tonics watching the sunset) is Matahari Supermarket - Kuta Square.
• Use metered taxis for the trip to the airport.
• Every time I go to Bali I get a swimmer's ear (ear ache), whether it's in the surf or hotel pool. Pack a wad of Blu-tack and use as ear plugs. Works a treat. I have lost proper ear plugs in the rough surf.
• Wear reef shoes when in the surf, water can get murky and there can be surprises (e.g. broken glass, old nappies/diapers from the beach). Don't be put off, the waves are worth it! Great for body surfing. 
• Kuta/Legian, best time for body surfing is before the flags go up (often red) and the surfers and surfing schools arrive. Before 8:00 a.m. Before 7:00 ideally, only the locals are on the beach. Classic views of volcanoes to the north, before smoke from local burn offs/cloud arrives.
• Don't pay hotel prices for Balinese Massage. One hour, full body in air conditioned comfort in numerous salons along Poppies Lane 1 or Poppies Lane 2 around 50, 000 rupiah ($5 Australian). Set price. Keep underwear on, don't expect 'a happy ending'. The girls ask you whether you want hard or soft massage. It's much better than beach massages where you have to negotiate a price, put up with sand in the oil, the heat and miscellaneous visiting vendors flogging beer, tee shirts or hair braiding.

Body surfing and snorkelling in South Lombok, Indonesia (written by an old fart)

Surfers' beach, 7 min walk  from Novotel Lombok across a very rickety footbridge - think "Indiana Jones" - ice cold Bintang (large) A$3 from huts (left corner)

When the Novotel was built here in 1997 (about 3 km east of Kuta Beach) they picked the perfect spot. Azure waters, distant breakers, white sand, incredible rocky outcrops. From the hotel beach you can snorkel out to where the waves are breaking, then catch a few waves body surfing on your way back. Catching a wave, while multi-coloured coral flashes past your mask is quite an experience.
Minimum equipment: reef shoes (a must for low tide), snorkel and mask, tee-shirt/blockout (the sun can be a killer on your neck and shoulders). Those hand flipper thingies would be good also.

Next big thing: 20 minutes east from the Novotel is a beach called Tanjung Aan. Turquoise water, whitest sand stretching for 2 km or more. Forget Senggigi Beach in North Lombok! Now the new airport is finished in Praya, watch out for luxury resorts sprouting up in the coming years. At the moment there are just shacks and warung.

The OTHER Kuta, Kuta Beach, Lombok, Indonesia

Novotel private pool villa, beachfront, quite reasonable price

Australians love Kuta (Bali). Kuta = hair braiding, tattoos on old Australians, Bintang tank tops, more tatts, "Kiss me Ketut" and "I f*ucked Rhonda" tee-shirts and more tatts on old leathery skin.

There is another Kuta, in Lombok (a 20 minute plane ride away, then 20 mins by taxi from the new Praya Airport, South Lombok). It is a good alternative to Senggigi Beach in the north. Clear skies, nice snorkelling, spectacular rocky outcrops and distant surf.
Middle class Russians have discovered Bali and Lombok. As have the Javanese from Jakarta.
Only a handful of Australians at the Novotel Lombok. Oh..... and no tatts.