Bali tourist spots in 30 words

Tuban - airport, bogans, no accessible surf
Kuta/Legian - bogans, surf
Seminyak -  sunset beach bars, villas, funky shops, dodgy surf
Tanjung Benoa - water sports, petrol fumes
Nusa Dua - sunrises, resorts, weddings

Tanjung Benoa

Nusa Dua

The other side of Legian-Kuta - away from the tourists

Venture down a "gang" (lane)

 Just 10 minutes walk from the tourist areas of Jalan Legian, on Jalan Patih Jelantik, is another side of Denpasar. No spruiking ("Transport?", "Excuse me, I'm not selling anything ..."), nor tattoo-covered, beer swilling bogans "That's awesome, Jayden!").
Towering fig trees, quiet temples and interesting curio shops.

Solitude, 20 minutes from the Legian Beach

Nautical fittings shop - great for the yuppy beach house

Tribal art and antiques

Native American kitsch (next door)

Clever re-using of materials - handbags, flooring, steps

The best (full body) $5 massage in Legian, Bali?

Anggita Spa (Jalan Lebak Bene, off Jalan Melasti) is a little gem. Very daggy, but cool inside and a massage table that fitted my head and was long enough for my legs. I had a young bloke ("Ian") and my wife had "Retha". Ian started off by walking across my back, necks and legs - think tenderising meat. Jokes aside, he was an excellent masseur. A perfect blend of strong and relaxing. For an hour - finishing off with a killer neck and back massage. A bargain at 50 000 rupiah (about $5 Australian). A superb massage.

Update
The salon above is now a tattoo parlour. As if there isn't enough. As Australians continue to gain weight, I suppose there's larger "canvases"to work with.

New favourite for 2016:

Green Beauty Salon. One block down Jalan Lebak Bene, Gg. Senen No 3, off Jalan Melasti. Even better. Same price. Ignore brochure price. One hour. My wife assures me the older Balinese masseur was the best.


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Bali Bogan Checklist ... Spot the Aussie

• Stay in Tuban/Kuta (Legian if you are upwardly mobile)
• Wear Bintang tank tops, Rhonda/Ketut tees have gone out of fashion, I was hanging out for some Schappelle Corby t-shirt banter, but no takers.
• Wear peaked cap (with knockoff Designer sunglasses on top- indoors as well)
• Over weight
• Hair braids (including beards)
• Walk around streets sucking on a large Bintang after breakfast (or in lieu of)
• With kids (called Cooper, Maddison or Jayden - out of school holiday period) and grandparents (as baby sitters)
• Last but not least, this is the clincher, tattoos - everywhere - arms, legs, backs, chests. All ages 18 years to old-enough-to-know better. I've seen old farts in their 70's get inked here. The nursing homes are going to be full of wrinkled bodies with dragons.

I suppose it is much cheaper in Bali to get tatts. Back in Australia it could cost thousands. With the cost of budget airfares (e.g. $400-$500 return) you come out a head (a dickhead).