From the Video Vault: "Captain Kronos - Vampire Hunter" (1974) Definitely a cult classic

This intriguing effort from Hammer sat on the shelf for 2 years. The main problem the audience had was probably the lack of usual Hammer horror stars : Lee, Cushing, Michael Gough, Ingrid Pitt. We do have two Hammer stalwarts, Shane Briant (playing poncy young Mr Durward) and sultry Caroline Munro (who acquits herself nicely as Kronos's roll-in-the-hay interest, Ms Munro has straw-encrusted hair in several shots).

The lead, German actor Horst Janson (with 70's boofy hairstyle), was huge in Europe but unknown in the U.K. Ian Hendry steals scenes in the middle of the film (there is an excellent Kill Bill-esque tavern samurai sword scene). 

Wanting something fresh and quirky, Hammer went with Brian Clemens (TV's "The Avengers", "Thriller") as writer/director. The film is produced by Clemens and Albert Finnell ("The Avengers"). Laurie Johnson ("The Avengers") scored the film.

There's the usual budget-saving "day-for-night" photography, some cheesy dialogue ("Mind you get back before dark, now!") and a loyal hunchback off-sider, Grost. Clemens is clearly having lots of fun. There were plans for this to be a series of films. A shame.
The plot involving a stranger who battles evil is more like a Western, then you add youth-draining vampires and the infamous Karnstein family to the mix.
There's a rather nasty extended scene (around the 50 minute mark) where Kronos and Co discover it is harder to kill a vampire than they expected. It reminded me a bit of the gristly farmhouse murder in Hitchcock's "Torn Curtain".

Questions:

•  Perhaps I was dozing, but why does our hero (when he's not boffing the buxom wench and sword fighting) wear a pillow case on his head?
• What's the bit about the bendy crucifix (definitely a cinema first)?

Possible drinking game:

Take a shot every time you see Shane Briant "doing a teapot" (standing elbow bent, his left hand on his waist).

Not sure whether the last name in the closing credits is a pisstake or merely unfortunate:

"Whore - Penny Price"

PS  The YouTube version is 4 minutes shorter than the DVD version (91 mins).

The A-Z of crappy/disappointing movies

Annie (1982, millions wasted, John Huston directs a musical!)
The 'burbs (1989, great cast, Joe Dante directing, huge yawn)
Camelot (1967, looks amazing but no charm, goes on too long)
Doctor Dolittle (1967, a bad year for musicals, Fox tried to make another box office winner after "Sound of Music", bigger isn't better)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999, yes it's Kubrick, yes it's tedious, his worst, albeit final film)
Firefox (1982, great web browser, crap film, Clint Eastwood directs a dud, a rarity)
Gable and Lombard (1976, terrific idea, bungled by Universal)
Hook (1991, great cast, Spielberg turkey - overstuffed)
Interview with a Vampire (1994, looks great, but it's still a dull vampire movie - if that's possible)
Jinxed! (1982, the title says it all, Bette Midler comedy directed by Don "Dirty Harry" Siegel!!)
Kiss Me, Stupid (1964, Billy Wilder's one dud film)
The Ladykillers (2004, Coen Brothers remake of the Ealing 1955 classic - terrible reworking, poor Tom Hanks)
Murderers' Row (1965, I have a fondness for Matt Helm silliness, but this is forgettable, Ann-Margret and Karl Malden are wasted)
Neighbours (1981, Aykroyd and Belushi, the latter's last film, no redeeming features)
Octopussy (1983, I love James Bond films, but this is the pits - everything from the title tune to the lacklustre villain)
Pirates (1986, Walter Matthau and an international cast - Roman Polanski should have walked the plank)
Querelle (1982, Fassbinder's unwatchable "Art" flick, crap whether you're gay or straight)
Rosebud (1975, Otto Preminger has made a few turkeys, this looks cheap as well)
Superman 3 (Audience Nil, 1983, Richard Pryor is even more annoying than usual)
The Towering Inferno (1974, overblown twaddle, unintentionally funny, e.g. Jennifer Jones and Fred Astaire scene)
Under Capricorn (1949, even Hitchcock can make a dud)
Van Helsing (2004, I saw this on a plane and enjoyed it, I must have had lots from the drinks trolley)
When Time Ran Out (1980, when the disaster movie ideas ran out, makes "The Poseidon Adventure" look like a masterpiece.
Xanadu (1980, ON-J + ELO = CRAP)
Yellowbeard (1983, crammed with comedy greats producing unfunny dross)
Zardoz (1974, some stunning visuals, hard to fathom sci-fi from the director of "Deliverance", best bit is the explanation of the title: The Wizard of Oz).

"Bates Motel" Season 1, Episode 8 "A Boy and his Dog", A and E , TV series, review, no spoilers

How appropriate for Mr Decody, Emma's taxidermist dad, to have a Hitchcock like English accent. Norman has a new hobby - taxidermy ... things are fitting in nicely now. What about when he exploded with his well-meaning teacher. Freddie Highmore plays the tortured Norman like a tightly wound spring  The strength of this series lies in the talent of two leads, Vera Farmiga and Freddie Highmore.

I liked Emma's (Olivia Cooke) high school toilet confrontation: Emma - 1, Mean Girls - 0.
Mr Abernathy also showed his true colours, went from quiet menace with Norma to popping a little surprise in her bed. Intrigued by sleazy Sheriff Romano's mention of the "big boss" to Norma (if my ears didn't deceive me). Isn't the actor a dead ringer for Anthony Perkins? Dylan, the prodigal son, is turning out to be Mr Nice Guy. Yes, I googled "trimmers".

"Hannibal" TV series Episode 2 "Amuse-bouche" review, no spoilers

Who thinks up these bizarre deaths - this week it's nine neatly arranged bodies encrusted in fungi, a crop of injected arms jutting out of the fertilised earth. Well, it was Jim Danger Gray ("Pushing Daisies") who wrote the episode. I bet he relished telling his schoolmates, "Danger is my middle name!" It sounds like a Maxwell Smart line, but I digress.

If you had missed the movies and Thomas Harris novels, if you didn't know who Lecter really was, you'd think he was merely a competent, albeit quirky, psychiatrist.
It is the old Hitchcock ticking bomb analogy - only the audience knows it's there, the suspense is when it is going to explode. This series is set out like a banquet - last week's title was "Aperitif', now it's "Amuse-bouche" (bite-size tasties), we get soup in two weeks. The main course (when Lecter gets down and dirty, I am guessing, will be much later in the season).
Don't you love Hannibal's sumptuous office set? So organised, yet stylish. The muted colours with a splash of red. Will's complex, haunted character make this a compelling series -  his surreal dreams, trances and forensic flashbacks. The first disconcerting scene in the firing range grabs the viewers attention. Another great scene was in Lecter's elegant dining room with the close-up of the loin of pork put red sauce - playing with the audience  - is that tabloid journo-white meat????
My wife is not a big fan of U.S. crime shows, preferring U.K.efforts like "Wire in the Blood" (similar themes and main character), but this show has kept our interest.
Bring on the next course, Mr Fuller.

Guilty pleasures - Universal Studios films

This is an old family photo, but I got sick of citing Copyright

I am starting at 1960 (I was 4 years old, old enough to remember a movie, I reckon).

• 1960 Midnight Lace; Spartacus (chalk and cheese)
• 1961 Curse of the Werewolf (Hammer horror, with a young, but still creepy, Oliver Reed) 
• 1962 Cape Fear; That Touch of Mink (bleak black&white nail-biter meets glossy Eastmancolor fluff)
• 1963 40 Pounds of Trouble (as a kid I loved the Disneyland locations); The Birds (knockout phone booth scene)
• 1964 The Chalk Garden (had a crush on Hayley Mills); Charade (great Mancini score)
• 1965 The Warlord (Chuck Heston); I Saw What You Did (creepy little William Castle B flick)
• 1966 Gambit (lots of caper movies in the mid 60's), Blindfold (liked the bayou setting)
• 1967 Thoroughly Modern Millie (fun, but too long)
• 1968 Coogan's Bluff (Clint Eastwood, on the verge of superstardom)
• 1969 Colossus, The Forbin Project (taut sci-fi sleeper about a supercomputer - years before War Games)
• 1970 Airport (cheesy but compelling)
• 1971 The Andromeda Strain (great start, stunning production design, but God, it is so talky; Play Misty For Me (Clint's first time as director - has he ever directed a crap movie, even Hereafter?)
• 1972 Frenzy (Hitchcock back in London and a return to form - rape screen in dating agency office is a worry "....Lovely.....Lovely" - chills the bones)
• 1973 American Graffiti;  Day of the Jackal; The Sting (what a year)
• 1974 Earthquake (saw it in "Sensurround", basically big speakers under the seats so they seemed to shudder in seismic scenes.
• 1975 Jaws (of course)
• 1976 The Seven-Per-Cent-Solution (what a cast, love to see it again)
• 1977 The Last Remake of Beau Geste (very patchy, some good sight gags)
• 1978 National Lampoon's Animal House ("To-ga, To-ga, To-ga!")
• 1979 Dracula; The Seduction of Joe Tynan
• 1980 Coal Miner's Daughter; The Blues Brothers
• 1981 Ghost Story (the book's better, but look at the stars: Fred Astaire, Douglas Fairbanks Jr, Melvyn Douglas, John Houseman, Patricia Neal - like Cocoon does Horror)                                        On Golden Pond (another movie full of old fogeys - Fonda and Hepburn)
• 1982 The Thing (holds up very well compared with recent remake, mind-blowing Rob Bottin make-up)
• 1983 Scarface (boffo finale, but 170 minutes ????)
• 1984 Sixteen Candles (this film and Ferris Bueller's Day Off are John Hughes' best films - delightful throughout, great ensemble cast, great score - as you would expect in a John Hughes flick)
• 1985 The Breakfast Club (this is No3, Simple Minds music helps)

The A-Z of pop culture (a 56 year old's version)

A  The Armstrong Miller Show, funniest sketch show in the last 10 years.
B  Beautiful People, TV series, another gem.
C   Countdown, Sunday 6pm required viewing for baby boomers in 70's and 80's.
D  Django Unchained, just perfect movie - the KKK scene with Jonah Hill will become a classic.
E   E! channel, home to the best 22 minutes on US TV: Chelsea Lately.
F   Fashion Police (see E).  Also the stylish and funny singer F is for Paloma Faith.
G  Ghost - punchy sea shanty-like song by The Presets.
H  Hitchcock, patchy movie from 2012, a better bio is HBO's The Girl.
 I   IMDB, now what do I do with my old Leonard Maltin MovieGuide?
J   Joy FM, always interesting, less crap commercials, good chat, fun music, an alternative to Triple J. Not only for gay listeners.
K  keepvid.com
L   The Late Show, God I miss it, my daughter can quote sketches from the DVD. Thanks Tony Martin, Mick Molloy, Jason Stephens, Judith Lucy and the Working Dog powerhouse (Tom, Santo, Jane and Rob). 
M  Margaret and David ... best movie couple after "Two on the aisle" with Ivan Hutchinson and Jim Murphy in the 1970's.
N   Nesbo, Jo - Harry Hole series.
O  Off colour and non-PC humour in Family Guy. Seth MacFarlane is an encyclopaedia of media kitsch from last century. Naughty genius.
P   The Project, underrated in more ways than one. Charlie Pickering for PM. Panel has great chemistry - I won't mention S. Price. 
Q  Q, the new one, Ben Whishaw. He is also great in BBC's The Hour.
R   RRR 102.7 FM broadcast a great show on Sunday evening in the mid 80's called EEEK! Thanks Philip Brophy and Bruce Milne.
S      Skyfall, the scene with the old DB5 brought a lump in my throat. (Watch that red button on the gearshift, M).
T   Tennant, Neil (half of The Pet Shop Boys), still going strong.
U  Upside down jet in Flight, fabulous fifteen minute sequence - never to be shown on inflight entertainment.
V  Vampires - Let the right one in, great book, two good movies.
W  wotif.com -but use in conjunction with tripadvisor reviews.
X   pirateproXy.net
Y   Youtube - thanks theblackholebowl and nickfulham for your hard work.
Z   Zero Dark Thirty, okay I was desperate for a "z"