Rules to follow when visiting Japanese onsen

1. Leave everything in your locker (even slippers). You must be naked.

2. Take a small towel (for modesty, moving from bath to bath to changeroom).

3. Wash thoroughly, sitting on the stool or shower area before entering bath. Take your time. Rinse thoroughly.

4. The personal towel must not be dropped into the water (the bath water must be kept pristine). Fold it and place it on your head or leave it close to you on the side of bath.

5. Do not put your head/hair under the water.

6. No tattoos. For centuries tattoos have been associated with criminality. There are only a few bathhouses that allow tattoos in Japan. Small tattoos - you might get away with covering with a bandage.

7. Relax, take your time, don't raise your voice.

Five things I hate about Bali...

1. Dodgy street currency exchange. If the rate looks too good to be true... it is. Go to reputable money changers (e.g. PT Central Kuta, BMC) but avoid hotel exchange rates.

2. Plastics in the surf - disposable diapers are the worst

3. The taxi mafia/taxi counter prices at Ngurah Rai Airport
 Head outside the gates (5 minute walk) and grab a metered taxi (e.g. Blue Bird Group) or (if you are feeling cheeky and only have hand luggage), take the lift up to the Arrivals level and grab a taxi that's just dropped someone off.

4. The proliferation of tattoo parlours.
New trend - tattoo removal shops in Kuta/Legian.

5. Roadside rubbish dumping.
If there's a slope, chances are there's a mountain of trash down there.

The best (full body) $5 massage in Legian, Bali?

Anggita Spa (Jalan Lebak Bene, off Jalan Melasti) is a little gem. Very daggy, but cool inside and a massage table that fitted my head and was long enough for my legs. I had a young bloke ("Ian") and my wife had "Retha". Ian started off by walking across my back, necks and legs - think tenderising meat. Jokes aside, he was an excellent masseur. A perfect blend of strong and relaxing. For an hour - finishing off with a killer neck and back massage. A bargain at 50 000 rupiah (about $5 Australian). A superb massage.

Update
The salon above is now a tattoo parlour. As if there isn't enough. As Australians continue to gain weight, I suppose there's larger "canvases"to work with.

New favourite for 2016:

Green Beauty Salon. One block down Jalan Lebak Bene, Gg. Senen No 3, off Jalan Melasti. Even better. Same price. Ignore brochure price. One hour. My wife assures me the older Balinese masseur was the best.


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Bali Bogan Checklist ... Spot the Aussie

• Stay in Tuban/Kuta (Legian if you are upwardly mobile)
• Wear Bintang tank tops, Rhonda/Ketut tees have gone out of fashion, I was hanging out for some Schappelle Corby t-shirt banter, but no takers.
• Wear peaked cap (with knockoff Designer sunglasses on top- indoors as well)
• Over weight
• Hair braids (including beards)
• Walk around streets sucking on a large Bintang after breakfast (or in lieu of)
• With kids (called Cooper, Maddison or Jayden - out of school holiday period) and grandparents (as baby sitters)
• Last but not least, this is the clincher, tattoos - everywhere - arms, legs, backs, chests. All ages 18 years to old-enough-to-know better. I've seen old farts in their 70's get inked here. The nursing homes are going to be full of wrinkled bodies with dragons.

I suppose it is much cheaper in Bali to get tatts. Back in Australia it could cost thousands. With the cost of budget airfares (e.g. $400-$500 return) you come out a head (a dickhead).

The OTHER Kuta, Kuta Beach, Lombok, Indonesia

Novotel private pool villa, beachfront, quite reasonable price

Australians love Kuta (Bali). Kuta = hair braiding, tattoos on old Australians, Bintang tank tops, more tatts, "Kiss me Ketut" and "I f*ucked Rhonda" tee-shirts and more tatts on old leathery skin.

There is another Kuta, in Lombok (a 20 minute plane ride away, then 20 mins by taxi from the new Praya Airport, South Lombok). It is a good alternative to Senggigi Beach in the north. Clear skies, nice snorkelling, spectacular rocky outcrops and distant surf.
Middle class Russians have discovered Bali and Lombok. As have the Javanese from Jakarta.
Only a handful of Australians at the Novotel Lombok. Oh..... and no tatts.