The A-Z of crappy/disappointing movies

Annie (1982, millions wasted, John Huston directs a musical!)
The 'burbs (1989, great cast, Joe Dante directing, huge yawn)
Camelot (1967, looks amazing but no charm, goes on too long)
Doctor Dolittle (1967, a bad year for musicals, Fox tried to make another box office winner after "Sound of Music", bigger isn't better)
Eyes Wide Shut (1999, yes it's Kubrick, yes it's tedious, his worst, albeit final film)
Firefox (1982, great web browser, crap film, Clint Eastwood directs a dud, a rarity)
Gable and Lombard (1976, terrific idea, bungled by Universal)
Hook (1991, great cast, Spielberg turkey - overstuffed)
Interview with a Vampire (1994, looks great, but it's still a dull vampire movie - if that's possible)
Jinxed! (1982, the title says it all, Bette Midler comedy directed by Don "Dirty Harry" Siegel!!)
Kiss Me, Stupid (1964, Billy Wilder's one dud film)
The Ladykillers (2004, Coen Brothers remake of the Ealing 1955 classic - terrible reworking, poor Tom Hanks)
Murderers' Row (1965, I have a fondness for Matt Helm silliness, but this is forgettable, Ann-Margret and Karl Malden are wasted)
Neighbours (1981, Aykroyd and Belushi, the latter's last film, no redeeming features)
Octopussy (1983, I love James Bond films, but this is the pits - everything from the title tune to the lacklustre villain)
Pirates (1986, Walter Matthau and an international cast - Roman Polanski should have walked the plank)
Querelle (1982, Fassbinder's unwatchable "Art" flick, crap whether you're gay or straight)
Rosebud (1975, Otto Preminger has made a few turkeys, this looks cheap as well)
Superman 3 (Audience Nil, 1983, Richard Pryor is even more annoying than usual)
The Towering Inferno (1974, overblown twaddle, unintentionally funny, e.g. Jennifer Jones and Fred Astaire scene)
Under Capricorn (1949, even Hitchcock can make a dud)
Van Helsing (2004, I saw this on a plane and enjoyed it, I must have had lots from the drinks trolley)
When Time Ran Out (1980, when the disaster movie ideas ran out, makes "The Poseidon Adventure" look like a masterpiece.
Xanadu (1980, ON-J + ELO = CRAP)
Yellowbeard (1983, crammed with comedy greats producing unfunny dross)
Zardoz (1974, some stunning visuals, hard to fathom sci-fi from the director of "Deliverance", best bit is the explanation of the title: The Wizard of Oz).

James Bond girls - ludicrous, lurid names

Ian Fleming took the name "James Bond" from the author of a book of exotic birds. He wanted the most mundane name possible. On the other hand, Bond "birds" had very exotic names. Here are the most colourful.
Key:
F - featured in Bond film
N - featured in original Bond novel

Honey(chile) Ryder "Dr No"   (F)N
Pussy Galore "Goldfinger"   FN
Domino "Thunderball"   FN
Kissy Suzuki "You Only Live Twice"   FN
Tiffany Case "Diamonds are Forever"   FN  Plenty O'Toole, Bambi and Thumper   F
Solitaire "Live and Let Die"   FN
Mary Goodnight "The Man with the Golden Gun"   FN  Chew Mi (I'm not kidding)  F
Dr Holly Goodhead "Moonraker"
May Day "A View to a Kill"   F
Fatima Blush "Never Say Never Again"   F
Dr Christmas Jones "The World Is Not Enough"   F
Strawberry Fields "Quantum of Solace"   F

Honourable Mentions (2 classics from Matt Helm spy spoofs):

Lovey Kravezit "The Silencers"
Yu Rang "The Wrecking Crew"

From the Video Vault of Forgotten Films: "The Wrecking Crew" 1968 A guilty pleasure movie

This is a time capsule movie for the late sixties. Released at the end of 1968, this was the final of the Matt Helm spy spoof series, although the end credits promise that Matt will return in "The Ravagers". Dino got bored and it shows. He looks like he is going through the motions. He was in his fifties and looks silly with Sharon Tate (nearly 30 years younger). Sharon had great comedic talent as well as stunning looks. A few months later the Manson tribe came along. But I don't want to dwell on this.
Sharon Tate plays a klutzy agent (similar to Stella Stevens role in the first movie in the franchise). "The Silencers" (1966) was the best, but that's not saying much. Phil Karlson directed both.

The plot involves a gold heist in Denmark (looking a lot like California and the backlot), but you don't need to worry about that. Basically Dean Martin cruises (sleepwalks?) through the movie on the trail of his glamorous costars (Tina Louis - Ginger from "Gilligan's Island", Nancy Kwan (playing the evil Yu Rang, best intentional joke in the movie) and the statuesque Elke Sommer (nearly falling out of her low cut white gown).
The villain, Nigel Green, is English, of course (a prerequisite for this sort of movie).
Remember when car scenes used back projection? Matt and his boss are jiggling up and down in the back seat of a Lincoln like they're in a bouncy castle. The crew must have got carried away, jiggling the mock up car on the springboard. Perhaps Dino or John Larch was rude to them on set.

The musical score is integral to the fun. Composer Hugo Montenegro wrote infectious themes ("I Dream of Jeannie", "The Partridge Family", the third Matt Helm movie "The Ambushers"). His score is very Sergio Mendez and Brazil 66. The opening title song "House of Seven Joys" written by pros Mack David and Frank DeVol is worth seeing the movie for (complementing Wayne Fitzgerald's very sixties/split screens opening titles). The whole of 1968 comes flooding back us babyboomers. The lyrics are a worry, though: "Ah so, very, very nice".
Titles flash across the screen to show this is a groovy movie: "DENMARK.....NOW!!!!"  "ANOTHER PART OF U.S. ...... NOW!!!"
Bruce Lee was used as the karate adviser and a very young Chuck Norris has a walk-on part in the House of 7 Joys scene (blink and you'll miss him).
The 'modern' technology is fun (the portable helicopter is a rip-off of Little Nelly in "You Only Live Twice"), the villains' communication system is all giant TV screens, camera placed seemingly everywhere, suitcase size backpacks with walkie-talkies to communicate with Count Orsini.
The set design is gaudy and kitsch (look for the fake grass that rolls back in the count's sumptuous mansion),
Matt photographs models dressed in outlandish costumes (looks like the same designer as the "Springtime for Hitler" number). It is hard to look lascivious in a turtle neck with a bit of a paunch.
This movie is a guilty pleasure delight.

P.S. Play the drinking game while watching:
Dino ogling females, using a sexist pun = 1 sip
Dino mentioning booze = 1 sip
Dino looking bored = 2 sips

Why is this post so popular in Poland? Spammers? Or connoisseurs of crap movies?

Guilty Pleasures - 20th Century Fox Films

Copyright News Corporation/logos.wikia.com

1959  Journey to the Centre of the Earth (I saw it when I was four in 1960, giant lizards freaked me out)
1960  The Lost World (crap adaptation, but Claude Rains is fun)
1961  The Innocents (creepy kids and Deborah Kerr, chilling and dripping with atmosphere - must read the Henry James story.
1962  The Longest Day gargantuan cast, a who's who of 60's stars. Beach landing scenes are truly spectacular (without CGI)
1963  Move Over, Darling (Doris Day in the role planned for Marilyn Monroe) Avoided Cleopatra

1964  What A Way To Go (overblown but check out the cast of leading men for Shirley MacLaine (Dick Van Dyke, Dean Martin, Paul Newman, Robert Mitchum, Gene Kelly - last two have the best segments - "A Lush Budgett Production" and 30's musicals send-up. Looks gorgeous, Edith Head went berserk)

1965  Flight of the Phoenix (compelling, have plenty of water on hand while watching this one)
Von Ryan's Express (Sinatra with a machine gun, Trevor Howard bristling) Omitted The Sound of Music (though I do like the concert scene finale)

1966  Fantastic Voyage inspired and imaginative, it bowled me over
Modesty Blaise utterly naff spy/ pop art mess, Dirk Bogarde is so camp, he makes Kenneth Williams look like the Duke - definitely a curiosity piece. Great music.
1966  How to Steal a Million stylish caper movie good chemistry between Audrey Hepburn and Peter O'Toole.
1966 was the zenith of spy movies, ever studio wanted to get on the Bond bandwagon. United Artists had Bond and Harry Palmer. Columbia had Matt Helm. MGM had The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  The Italian studios did some crap rip offs. Fox had Our Man Flint. James Coburn was cool, loved Lee J. Cobb's phone ring tone).
1967  Caprice (more spylarks). Doris Day trying to look mod, Richard Harris looking embarrassed, Ray Walston a cross dressing villain. I thought this was cool, but I was 11.)
1967  In Like Flint was a terrible Derek Flint sequel, but I liked the Caribbean locale and the Jerry Goldsmith score.
1968  The Boston Strangler  Everybody wanted to used split screens in movies by the late 60's. They work well. Tony Curtis is really good.
1969  Hello Dolly (Bye, bye budget), Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (first movie I saw without my parents)
1970  M*A*S*H (I never tire of this film, hilarious as well as searing, perfect movie, perfect cast)
Patton (1970 was certain a good year for Fox - let's forget Myra Breckinridge)
1971  The French Connection (best NYC chase sequence EVER)
1972  The Other (little Gothic gem, from the director of To Kill A Mockingbird)
Sleuth ....Class with a Capital C....avoid remake a decade later, awful.
1973  The Legend of Hell House (The Haunting, 1963, is a better version though)
1974  The Three Musketeers stellar cast, Richard Lester nails it. No wonder there were sequels.
Young Frankenstein (so many catch-phrases, so much to like, done with affection to the Universal 30's movies)
1975  Race with the Devil (compelling fluff, great car stunts)
1976  Silver Streak I love train movies, plus there's Gene Wilder and Patrick McGoohan (Richard Pryor was an acquired taste)
1977  High Anxiety (watch it just for Mel Brooks's lounge singer act...."Oooo... -xiety....remember, be good to your parents...")
1978  The Fury (Brian De Palma, great finale), The Boys from Brazil (an evil Gregory Peck!)
1979  the wise and sweet natured, Breaking Away; the ground breaking Alien (plus Sigourney Weaver in little knickers)
1980  All That Jazz (a bit of a wank, but the Broadway musical scenes are good, predating Smash).
1981  Southern Comfort (think Deliverance, Walter Hill is a good director, clever title), Eyewitness (same team as Breaking Away)
1982  The Verdict (flawless Sidney Lumet film, I really miss James Mason.)
1983  To Be or Not To Be (haven't seen the Jack Benny original yet, on my to-do list)
1984  The Flamingo Kid cute Matt Dillon movie with the ever-reliable Hector Elizondo

"Guilty pleasure" movies - from Columbia Pictures

I will begin when I was four years old, old enough to remember seeing the movie.

1960 Guns of Navarone *
1961 Mysterious Island
1962 The Notorious Landlady *  (great use of "A Foggy Day In London Town")
1963 Bye Bye Birdie *
1964 The Long Ships
1965 Bunny Lake Is Missing * (gripping black and white movie)
1966 The Silencers * (Dino is no Sean Connery, but Stella Stevens works)
1967 The Ambushers * (cringe-worthy dialogue, but great fun)
1968 Funny Girl *
1969 The Wrecking Crew * (last Matt Helm film - Sharon Tate is a trick)
1970 The Owl and the Pussycat * (stunning opening titles and score)
1971 The Anderson Tapes (great use of split screens); Dollars (another heist movie, ultra-long chase scene)
1972 Butterflies Are Free (Goldie Hawn again!)
1973 Oklahoma Crude *
1974 The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad (all hail, Ray Harryhausen)
1975 Bite The Bullet; Stepford Wives (another deadheat, couldn't decide)
1976 Murder By Death (wet Neil Simon effort but knockout cast)
1977 The Deep * (John Barry does disco, Nolte and Bissett in the Caribbean)
1978 The Eyes Of Laura Mars *
1979 All That Jazz *
1980 Seems Like Old Times
1981 Stripes
1982 Tootsie (a near perfect film, so I suppose it isn't a "guilty pleasure")
1983 Blue Thunder
1984 Body Double (Brian DePalma doing another Hitchcock hommage)
1985 Fright Night (stands up well, better than remake, Roddy McDowell - nice touch)
1986 Stand By Me (best ever Stephen King adaptation)
1987 Hope And Glory (watch for John Boorman's son, Charley as crashed German pilot)



1988 Vibes (Cyndi Lauper, Jeff Goldblum, Peter Falk in Machu Picchu - what is not to like?)

* denotes musical score of note (in my humble opinion)

Columbia Logo Copyright Sony Pictures Entertainment/logobuffer.com
Vibes images Copyright www.thereelbits.com