What teachers really mean in their students' reports

I was a teacher for 34 years, that's quite a few reports to write. Teachers hate writing reports because what you put in writing is IN WRITING (at the back of your mind you think: legal ramifications). Parent interviews are more useful than reports, particularly the end of year written report. Why put a dampener on things so close to Christmas? So here are some student report comments..... followed by more honest staffroom comments about the same student. Purely fictitious, of course.

Report comments .........                                              Staffroom  comments

_ has a quiet manner in class........            creepy, isolate, wouldn't like to meet in a dark alley 10 years on.
_ is always early to school, eager to start the day........    dumped at school 70 mins before school starts, parents refused before-school care.
_ can be distracted in class........                      needs daily dose of Nitalin.
_ possesses a quirky sense of humour........              sadist
_ has an artistic flair........                           prime suspect for graffiti daubed around school.
_ has a small circle of friends........               shunned, smelly, obnoxious personality, FLK (funny looking kid).
_ shows attention to detail is her work........              stressed-out perfectionist and she's only seven!
_ is always confident speaking in front of an audience.......  class clown, attention-seeking knob.